Humor

What It Means

Five-year-old Becky answered the door when the Census taker came by.

She told the Census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn’t home, because he was performing an appendectomy.

“My,” said the Census taker, “that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?”

“Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks and that doesn’t even include the anesthesiologist!”

Father is a Lawyer...

While in Atlanta on vacation, Little Johnny’s Daddy took one afternoon to see historic sites downtown.

Two young families were also in line to the see the sites. Little Johnny struck up a conversation with one of the boys in line.

“My name is Tommy. What’s yours?” asked the first boy.

“Johnny”.

“My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Pop do for a living?” asked Tommy.

Little Johnny replied, “My Daddy’s a Lawyer.”

“Honest?” asked Tommy.

Johnny replied, “No, just the regular kind.”

Do Your Best and Just Remember

This older man was on the operating table awaiting surgery, and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation as he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. “Yes dad, what is it?”

“Don’t be nervous, son. Do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well and if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.”

I Keep Thinking I’m God

Doctor, Doctor! I keep thinking I’m God!

Doc: When did this start?

Well first I created the sun, then the earth, then the…

Assume we have a can opener

A chemist, a physicist, and a mathematician are stranded on an island when a can of food rolls ashore.

The chemist and the physicist come up with many ingenious ways to open the can.

Then suddenly the mathematician gets a bright idea: “Assume we have a can opener …”

A Friendly Honest Neighbor

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact, more than you. I’m not getting it at home, but that’s no excuse.

I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t happen again.

Bob, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect. I meant “wifi”, not “wife”.