HUMOR

Outstanding

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots Santu standing in the middle of a huge field of grass.

He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that Santu is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to our Santu and asks him, “Ah excuse me sir, but what are you doing?”

Santu replies, “I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize.”  “How?” asks the man, puzzled. “Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are outstanding in their field.”

Jumping on Beds

Connie told her 4-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds. After several warnings she punished him, explaining that should he fall, he would hurt himself badly.

Several minutes passed and he was back to jumping on the beds. Connie said, “Dean, you weren’t jumping on the beds again, were you?”

He stood with his little head dropped low and said, “I’m trying, but it’s so hard to quit.”

Get me a battleship

After lunching at the Algonquin Hotel, Robert walked through the lobby, out the front door, and said to the uniformed man on the sidewalk, “My good man, would you please get me a taxi?”

The man immediately took offense and replied indignantly, “I’m not a doorman! I happen to be a rear admiral in the United States Navy.”

Robert instantly quipped: “All right then, get me a battleship.”

Spoon out FIRST?

Doctor, Doctor! I keep getting pain in the eye when I drink coffee! Doc: Have you ever tried taking the spoon out FIRST?

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work.

The first surgeon said, “I think that accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered.”

The second surgeon said, “I think that librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything is in alphabetical order.”

“The third surgeon said, “I think that electricians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything is color coded.”

The fourth surgeon said, “I think that lawyers are the easiest to operate on. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and their ass are interchangeable.”

*****

While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said, “Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he’s invisible.”

The doctor said, “Tell him I can’t see him.”